Maybe watching Inception wasn't a good idea

Hello again, my poor abandoned xanga. It's been a while, huh? A few years, in fact. A couple girls came and went and you didn't hear so much as a peep from me, which means I must have grown out of the need for somewhere to privately (but still publicly) share my thoughts about how girls continue to vex me or not, right?

Wrong.  I'm still in need of a place to unload.  So, here's a fresh batch of catharsis in your face.  Bam.

That one scene in Inception was really hard for me.  It was the scene where DiCaprio is trying to talk his wife off the ledge.  That was hard to watch, and for one simple reason.  He sounded too much like I did when I was talking to Danny on the morning she left.  It was the first phone call of the morning - after I had gotten a text from her saying she was sorry but she had to leave - and when I realized that the background noise I heard in the call was an announcement from the train saying that Osaka was next, I started sounding exactly like him.  It was the tone of complete exasperation.  The knowledge that they're too far away to stop them, so you try to tell them the things they want and do the things they want so that they'll delay the inevitable.  But in that tone is still the knowledge that you can't stop them.  The idea is in their head.  And to that, I must give Leonardo some mad props for getting that emotion perfectly.  I can't imagine what he had to think of as an actor to make that emotion come out right on screen, but it worked.  And so, as I listened to him give his wife plenty of good reasons not to jump, all I could hear was myself giving Danny plenty of reasons not to leave.

Plenty of parallels, actually.  Once you think about it.

I'm going to do my best not to get stuck in a dream with my memories.  But, that's the trouble: the idea's been planted.

I'll be fine.  I'm just being dramatic and tired.  It doesn't make this whole thing any less messed up, though.

"For me, love is all" - The Cranberries

Well, the question that I feel I'm writing this entry to answer is: how are you holding up, Kirby?  For those of you who don't stalk me on facebook, on Wednesday, Brigid and I finally were able to meet in person, and we both came in with breaking up on our minds.

I think that, above all, was what made everything go so smoothly: we both recognised that we weren't right for one another and both knew it was time to end it.  I don't know why it took so long to meet and talk about it (she's on campus this year, which means she moved in at least a week and a half before we talked) but I was a bit worried that me bringing up a break up would take her by surprise, and I think she had a similar fear about surprising me.  But we both came into the discussion on about the same page, which is why I think it went smoothly, and rather fast.  We both just kinda took a little time to explain our reasons a little bit (and we both had different reasons), but then it was just over.  I came in knowing that I still want to be her friend, even though she's hurt me as a girlfriend, because she is a very special person who's friendship I cherish.  I think she felt the same way about staying friends, but I don't exactly know how she felt.  I hope she wasn't just appeasing me when she agreed with that sentiment.  Not looking at me the whole time sent a couple mixed messages...

But now here I am, 1:30 am after a football game, writing one last xanga entry in this saga of Brigid to let everyone who's been reading along at home:  I'm just fine.  If you've read any of the other entries in this saga, you know that I've been expecting a breakup for quite a while, and so I had a long time to psyche myself up and over it.  I actually feel really good now, because now it's all resolved, and it's one less thing for me to think about during my day.

And now I'm back to my neutral state, which is very comfortable for me.  My neutral state of being alone and self-sufficient and admiring someone from affar.  Yes, dear reader, you read correctly.  I tried to retard the advances of my heart, but he already has chosen another maiden to muse over, and funny enough, it's not the same lass he was musing about when I wrote my last entry.  But now that I'm in my neutral state, I can actually admire her without feelings of guilt or a need to stiffle it.  I think I like my neutral state because even though I might happen to be sitting alone in my room, I am free in my fantasies and daydreems.  I can imagine and hope and wish for a future with this new object of my attraction and can build a warm and cozy blanket of daydreems to cuddle up with while I work up the pluck to persue my fair maiden.  And I didn't have that feeling while I still was worrying about the breakup.

So, I'd say I'm doing just fine.  When I describe this state of enjoying liking someone without letting them know, it might sound like I'm a social retard who's afraid of girls and can only imagine myself with them instead of actually asking them out.  And to a certain degree, yes, that's fair.  I was that boy for a long stretch of my growth: the shy boy who didn't dare let a girl know that he liked her because he would be embarrassed and she might reject him.  So slipping back into that roll a little bit is comforting; it's comforting like how some people eat comfort food when they're lonely, or work out profusely, or something.  But for me, all I have to do is use my imagination and know that my hopes are a possibility because one day, I will let them know how I feel.  This has been my cycle for many years, and while I've broken my cycle more recently to the stage of actually asking girls out, it's a nice place to be in while I plan my next move.

Oh, how I hope I'm able to pluck up the courage to let her know how I feel.  But this is a very peculiar case, because of the dynamic of our shared activities.  If I were to let her know, and were she to take it awkwardly, it would make the remainder of our time together very awkward indeed due to forced proximity.  I might be tempted to wait until our shared activities are almost done, but then I would miss out on a long stretch of potential dating time.  And with me leaving next summer for the JET program, the time I have is precious.

But going into that is material for another xanga entry.  To sum this one up: the saga of Brigid is over.  It was an interesting saga, and I took some interesting things away from it.  But now it has come to an end, and I can once again let my mind roam to the possibility of a happy relationship, which I've been missing for the last three months or so.

Yay for me.

The Cranberries are one of those groups that helps my neutral state.  It's such an oddity that I didn't realize my neutral state had come back until I started writing this entry.  But I'm glad it's back.  I just can't explain how comfortable it feels.

Currently Listening Stars: The Best of the Cranberries, 1992-2002 By The Cranberries You and Me see related

I should start titling these things

I'm.  *sigh*  I'm done.  I don't think the pauses in between sentences are adaquately caught while typing, since there's no device to show the lapse of time, but trust me, there is lots of time between sentences.  I just sit here trying to either stir up some emotion about her, or some passionate rage against her, but I just sit here staring at the screen.  I think this is an indicator of how over her I really am.  'Cause there's no other way to really describe my feelings for her now:  I haven't seen or spoken to her in so long that it's like we've already broken up, and I've been using my time to get over the loss.

We'll see what mood she's in when I finally get to see her again, and our first conversation is about ending it.  But I have no idea how to tell her I've moved on.  Do I just come out and say it when I first see her; do I start up with pleasantries and then work my way to it; do I take her out for one last magical date and then talk to her about it when we return?  Which will be best for her?  I don't even think she knows where she's living this next year if she didn't win the housing lotery.  When will be the next time I see her?  Will she call and want to see me and cuddle in my newly signed single apartment?  Will she pop up at a band camp rehersal and start cheering for me? (Wait a second, no, she'd never do the band rehersal one; it's that type of thing that's missing between us.)

I just don't know.  All I know is that I have moved on.  My ma put it harshly, but correctly, when my cousin Lauren asked me "So, are you and Brigid still dating?"  My answer was a pause, followed by, "yes."  My ma said something to the effect of "it's time to move on," "plenty of fish in the sea" and that kind of stuff.  And while it sounds harsh to think of the woman I have loved as a fish in a sea of millions (I just can't picture myself loving someone who wasn't unique and special), my Ma is once again right.  You know how Moms are always right?  I think part of their secret to always being right is by stating the obvious.  So for all you future mothers out there: add that to your always-being-right manual.

So, while is is difficult for me to think of someone I ever loved as an interchangable fish, there is truth that this relationship has not been anything special for me.  I'm sure I could have had the same relationship with dozens of other women, which sounds so harsh and uncaring, but is just true.  I need to hold out for someone who's not a fish; someone who is so special that my relationship with them isn't reproducable; someone who won't turn into a hermit crab when emotional rain comes; someone who doesn't make me lie about them feeling sick so that they can duck out of my good friend's Friday Night movie gathering.  I've put up with a lot of crap in this relationship; crap which at the time seemed romantic for me to bear, but which now seems petty and selfish.  I'm a little ashamed that I let myself go through with all that.  For while I'm a romantic, I've also thought myself capable of knowing when the line between a knight and a sucker is drawn.  I think this relationship has shown me that I don't quite have the firm grasp of that line as I thought I did.

So, yeah.  I'm over her.  My heart has already made up its mind and is no longer hers.  In fact, my heart has been doing some independant thinking of his own, especially as the new school year approaches and school "crushes" of sorts start to re-establish contact.  He's an interesting little SOB, my heart is.  I don't think listening to The Cranberries right now does much to discourage him from thinking like he is, but that hasn't stopped me from listening to them all day.  Hmmmmmmsigh*

I really should stop listening to them.  It's probably not good for me right now.  I have to get my head straight before I can let my heart do his thing.  But, as always, this is difficult for me.

Am I an insensitive jerk pig a-hole because I'm dwelling on the musings of my heart before I've officially broken it off with her?  Is that infidelity at all?  Is it my duty to call and break up over the phone so that she can be free?  No, that can't be right.  Breaking up is something that needs to be done face to face.  I would be an insensitive jerk pig a-hole if I broke up over the phone.

Ok, I needed to talk myself through that one really quick.

Be still my heart.

No, serrious.  Shut up before you do something our head will regret in the long run.  *punches chest*

Ow.  My heart...

Currently Listening Stars: The Best of the Cranberries, 1992-2002 By The Cranberries Stars (Previously Unreleased) see related

I don't want to break her heart.  That's what it all boils down to.

So here I am, sitting in my sister's dorm in Massachusets, writing these thoughts down so that I don't forget them when I get home, and the thing that I keep coming back to is that I don't want to break her heart.

Ok, a little backstory: last night as I was walking back from the parties of Amherst (I don't think a single shot of Captain would classify me at all as under the influence of alcohol) I called and left a message saying a few of the things that I have been wanting to say but haven't had the guts to.  The main points were that I don't like not hearing from her, and that it makes me feel unloved when in these last three weeks - three weeks that are very emotionally important to her - I've only gotten to talk to her once on the monday two - almost three now - weeks ago.  I think I need to go back a little further: on Tuesday morning before we left Chicago, I called again and left a message that it is getting a little rediculous when it comes to how hard it is to get ahold of her.  I think one of the things I said was that "you can't turn a boy/girlfriend on and off when it's convinient, you have to talk to them."  Well, I think I have to go back one more time and say that the night before I called at about 8:00 PST and did get ahold of her, but got what felt like a brushoff when she said she was going out for the evening, that she'd call back, and then didn't.

So, for those of you who need a more linear timeline:  I called all along the journey to Chicago, left a message or two, got ahold of her Monday night and got "I'll call you back," didn't get called back, left her the "this is rediculous" message, didn't hear back for two days, left her the "I feel unloved and closed out" message last night, and that pretty much catches everything up.

Except for when she called back last night.  I again couldn't make my frustrations fully known to her, and actually appologized a bit for the "I feel unloved" message.  I swear, it's like there are two sides to me: the one side that still passionately loves her and doesn't want to lose her for fear of breaking her heart (the side that dominates when I'm actually talking with her), and the side that feels sick and fed up, the side that doubts whether or not I love her and who thinks that this relationship is taking an unhealthy toll (the side that dominates when I'm not talking with her).  Unfortunately, the second side is the one that always has the upper hand on this Xanga, because the first side wouldn't have any need to write anything here.

Argh.  Anyway, after that call where I appologized in a sleepy manner (I'd been asleep for an hour), and tried to patch things up while my second side was still trying to plant seeds of discontent, I thought for a long time about this whole situation.  And the biggest truth that I could think of is that I really don't want to break her heart right now.  This is not a good time for her to have a broken heart, as she is still dealing with everything that's going on in her life (and about which she's sworn me to secrecy).  And so my first side is trying to hard to block the shots my second side is trying to take at this relationship, because my first side feels that if I bring anything up, it will invariably make everything come crashing down, which would result in a broken heart, which is absolutamente nada bueno.

But that doesn't keep my second side from looking at reasons why I should say something.  The most prominent is that this doesn't seem like a good time for a relationship for her.  This is probably the strongest arguement.  'Cause there are just times in your life where you're not in a good place for a relationship because you've got too much else going on, right?  I mean, there have been times where I haven't let myself become involved with someone because it wasn't the right time, right?  And I'm sure that I'm not the only one who understands the concept.  There are just times where you can't put a relationship first, and while there's nothing wrong with that, there are also times that you have so much to put before a relationship that it isn't good to be in one.

I think she's at a place like that right now.  I think that there are just so many things that she needs to put before our relationship right now.  And shile a lot of those things actually could benefit from having a boy/girlfriend to talk to and have there for support, I think it's been made clear that I'm not needed in that way right now.  And so I think I'm just too low on her list right now for this relationship to be healthy for me right now.

But my first side also struggles with the idea of mentioning "this might not be a good time for you to be in a relationship."  My first side thinks that she won't understand this idea, will think it's just fancy guy-speak for "I don't love you anymore," and will end up with a broken heart.  And that's why he's kept it from the conversation so far.  She's just never been in a good relationship before this one; and there are a lot of things about a good relationship that she doesn't seem to understand.  I think that the idea that things can come before a relationship is one of those lessons she never learned, and that she's so afraid of losing me that she'll dismiss the idea as complete nonsense.

So, yeah.  That's kinda where I'm at right now.  I want to talk with her and mention that she might be in a place right now that requires her to give up this relationship, but I don't think she'll understand that I mean that with her best interest in mind.  I also don't know when the next time I'm going to talk to her will be.  I'll be up in the LA area this Sunday and Monday, but she's busy.  Again.  By the time we get to talk about this, school will probably already have started, and I think the proximity will just make it that much harder to bring this up.

She didn't even call on / mention about our 6 month anniversary.  True, neither did I, but I was on a cross country trip, and at least I have a very cute gift idea planned.  I'm certain that she hasn't got anything.  I mean, a girl has to have too much on her plate when she doesn't even remember anniversaries, right?

I just don't know what to do.  That sounds so emo, pathetic, and cliche, but it's the truth at this moment.

Peter Gabriel makes me feel better.  I don't know why.  Is a good girlfriend too much to ask for?

Currently Listening So By Peter Gabriel Mercy Street see related

I cannot explain it.  I cannot explain why the simple act of talking to her can erase all of the doubt, fear, and torment that had been plagueing me for almost a week.  I dial, thinking that it will be another missed call - another date with the answering machine - thinking that this prolonged silence will finally begin to seal something in my mind, and then she answers.  And with the sound of her voice and the realization that she's just fine and dandy, everything is fine, and all of the torment and pain that I wanted to communicate to her dries up like water on a skillet.

I'm not so sure if this is neccessarily a good thing.

'Cause, I mean, I was getting myself all worked up before the call.  Worked up to leave a message and follow it up with a facebook message detailing how I was aching during that week, how I worried about the worst happening, how I felt like her silence meant I didn't matter.  It did hurt when I wrote my last entry.  I was almost hoping that something had happened, because then there would be an excuse for not returning my calls.  I had convinced myself that if she answered, it would signify that she no longer cared for me, since everything was fine and she didn't even think enough to return any of my calls.

But then I heard her voice, and despite the convincing I did on myself, I couldn't be mad while I was talking to her.  It's not like I was mad and just too shy to say so; I was genuinely not mad for that moment.  Something went off in my brain that subdued the anger and replaced it with understanding - no, not quite understanding, but kinda a vapid euphoria.

This might not sound bad at first, but I'm not so sure about that.  Anyone who knows me knows that I strive to be a gentleman in all things.  I try to be the perfect guy: caring, strong, cool, and smart (and good looking too), and when a girl is that 1 girl (for the "there are 3 girls in the world" speech, talk to me in person) that any girl can be right now, I always treat them like an absolute princess.  This is just how I am.

But recently, I've started to muse upon the idea of being walked over.  Someone planted this seed of thought in my mind when they were discussing Edward from the Twilight/Breaking Dawn serries.  Now, I've never read these books, but Edward is supposedly the perfect gentlemen; what every girl is looking for in a guy.  He's caring, he protects her, he writes songs for her.  But this person gave two different interpretations of the character, and he's never read the books either.  He argues that you could view Edward two ways:  1) He's selfless and cares about nothing but her, or 2) He's a low-confidence coward who's desperately scared of losing a girl who's extremely high maintenance and cares only about herself.  The person who wrote that suggests that girls see him as 1), and guys see him as 2).

And when I read that, and his statements after, I realized that it's not all up to the guy if a relationship is perfect or not.  I've always just taken it for granted that all girls are perfect girlfriends, and all a guy has to do is be a prince and her inner princess will shine out and everything will turn out happily ever after.  But when I read the 2) description of Edward, I realized that some girls can be high maintanance and care only for themselves.  And when paired with a guy who's willing and ready to feed that with his gentlemanly manners, there's a possibility that the relationship can be one-way, with the guy only giving, and not recieving the emotions that he needs.

This is what I mean when I don't think my lack of anger is a good thing.  I've been hurt.  I should be able to tell the person who's hurt me what they've done.  But I am too much of a gentleman and so I don't.  And that is why I think it is a bad thing.

*sigh*  I know she's not the one.  I've known since about the beginning of summer, and this summer has only strengthened my belief.  But she is going through some very trying things right now, and the gentleman in my wants to be there for her.  The non-gentleman argues that she doesn't want us to be there for her, but as always the gentleman wins.  And so all the non-gentleman can do is come here and record his pain, 'cause it does help a little bit.

It's so odd taking my obviously multiple wants and needs in stride.

I need to go not think about her, because thinking about her is what fuels my need for love and emotion.  Man, if only I had a non-smelly pet to cuddle with...

I wish I was playing this game.  It's very dark and mystical, and I've only heard good things about it.  But I'm unfortunately broke thanks to this upcoming security deposit.  I guess Christmas is coming up...

Currently Gaming The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess By Nintendo see related